Perception.

I was given another painting assignment.

I was asked to put color and form to my feelings of fear and inadequacy in relation to others' perception of me.  In other words, nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I'll go paint it.

Recently I have been afraid of everyone. I'm convinced everyone hates me for some reason or another. Usually this feeling only extends towards strangers; I'm terrified of how others perceive me. That is still the case, but now it's spread to people I know. I'm fairly certain that women at church dislike me, my boss is mad at me, my friends don't like me anymore and my sister will hate me forever. When I go out, I'm so self conscious most of the time I want to hide. I feel stupid and ugly and like people are pointing and laughing.

At this time I would like to point out that I am exercising a great deal of restraint by not saying that these feelings are stupid. I want to say it's stupid to minimize it's importance and brush it off like it's nothing. Here's where I stand up for myself, to myself:

It's not stupid. It is false.

No one is staring and pointing and laughing at me, my boss just has a cold, the women at church probably don't care about me either way and my friends have busy lives. As for my sister...that's another story. But the point is, I can't possibly be the focal point of all of these people's lives, right? Right. The idea that they all hate me is not stupid, it is false.

But...I want to say it's stupid, ridiculous, something. I feel awful for feeling this way. I feel guilty for thinking that other people are thinking negative things about me. Tonight I was asked what it was that I needed from these people. I was also asked what it was that I feared in relation them. I couldn't think of anything I needed from anyone...but I know exactly what I'm afraid of.

I am scared poopless that someone will discover that underneath my smiley, skirted exterior lies a little girl who has failed at most things in life and just wants to hide in the back of the closet until it all goes away.

I guess the jig is up.