Perception.

I was given another painting assignment.

I was asked to put color and form to my feelings of fear and inadequacy in relation to others' perception of me.  In other words, nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I'll go paint it.

Recently I have been afraid of everyone. I'm convinced everyone hates me for some reason or another. Usually this feeling only extends towards strangers; I'm terrified of how others perceive me. That is still the case, but now it's spread to people I know. I'm fairly certain that women at church dislike me, my boss is mad at me, my friends don't like me anymore and my sister will hate me forever. When I go out, I'm so self conscious most of the time I want to hide. I feel stupid and ugly and like people are pointing and laughing.

At this time I would like to point out that I am exercising a great deal of restraint by not saying that these feelings are stupid. I want to say it's stupid to minimize it's importance and brush it off like it's nothing. Here's where I stand up for myself, to myself:

It's not stupid. It is false.

No one is staring and pointing and laughing at me, my boss just has a cold, the women at church probably don't care about me either way and my friends have busy lives. As for my sister...that's another story. But the point is, I can't possibly be the focal point of all of these people's lives, right? Right. The idea that they all hate me is not stupid, it is false.

But...I want to say it's stupid, ridiculous, something. I feel awful for feeling this way. I feel guilty for thinking that other people are thinking negative things about me. Tonight I was asked what it was that I needed from these people. I was also asked what it was that I feared in relation them. I couldn't think of anything I needed from anyone...but I know exactly what I'm afraid of.

I am scared poopless that someone will discover that underneath my smiley, skirted exterior lies a little girl who has failed at most things in life and just wants to hide in the back of the closet until it all goes away.

I guess the jig is up.

Untitled.

I forgot to mention that I painted last night. It's not perfect, but I'm happy with it. I could go on about how cathartic it was and all that, but honestly, I don't feel like it. Don't get me wrong, it was great. I'm just not feeling very chatty this evening.

Today I had a really hard time getting dressed. The indecision was killing me. I was cold, so I wanted to wear a long skirt, but wasn't happy with anything I came up with. I ended up with several layers on top - black tank, black 3/4 sleeve shirt, black sweater - with the black/blue/grey colorblock skirt, black textured tights, and boots. And my scarf. I wore my scarf all day. I do that sometimes.

I'm exhausted. My therapy appointment is tomorrow so I'm sure I will have plenty to say afterwards. Until then, I bid thee farewell.

Kickboxing!

I start my kickboxing class today! I'm so excited. I need a good work out, both mentally and physically.
Today also marks the first day I am out of the house in pants since December. It feels weird, like something isn't right. But, that may have more to do with the fact that my outfit is absolutely ridiculous. From the ground up I'm wearing Sketchers shapeups, argyle socks, capri dance pants, black tank top, black hoodie, red scarf, and my black long-ish coat. Whatever picture that paints in your head, hang on to it because it's the only one you're getting.
I'm hoping that all the endorphins from the kickboxing will put me in the mood to paint. That's right, I haven't done it yet. I did find the perfect clothes to get messy in while doing it... Leave it to me to think about what I'm going to wear while doing my homework. At least I haven't picked out painting earrings.
If kickboxing doesn't kill me, I'll let you know how it goes.