Musical Once More

Despair can ravage you if you turn your head around
to look down the path that's led you here, cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now, floating down the waterways.
You can take your rudder and aim your ship,
just don't bother with the things left in your wake.
Just sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have
and your love will be warm nights with pockets of moonlight
spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play.
And you walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause,
and as the curtain falls, just know you did it all
the best that you knew how and you can hear them cheering now.
So let a smile out and show your teeth cause you know you lived it well.

That is an exerpt from a song titled "This is Not an Exit," by the band Saves the Day (one of my favorites).

I want it played at my funeral.

I wrote music today. Like sat down at a piano and actually composed something. I even recorded it on my phone, and when I was really on to something, I wrote it down. That was tough because I didn't have staff paper, so I had to put it in a regular notebook, designating each note's letter so I wouldn't get confused the next time I look at it. The whole experience was awesome. It was so much fun just letting my fingers do whatever they wanted, just to see what they came up with. I have to say, I'm pretty happy with it. I haven't written music in almost ten years...it seems a little crazy to think about, but it's true. The last time I had to compose anything was in college. It felt good. Really good.

Now what would really be cool is if I can get some words down to this music. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed lately, in the sense that there's so much I need to get out of me in so many different forms. I guess we'll see where this takes me.

My brain hurts. Time for bed. I am SO glad tomorrow (I guess technically today) is Friday. This was a pretty crappy week.

Motivation, Music & Me

My bizzare streak of productivity and motivation continues. Tonight I made dinner, ordered Insanity, showered, dried my hair and cleaned my bathroom, all before 9:30. Very strange. Maybe not for normal people, but since I've proven time and time again that I'm nowhere near normal, this is weird. I almost feel normal. It's kinda nice! But I'm still on my guard and skeptical about whether or not this will stick.

Hmm. I just took a moment to rock out a bit, and when I turned around there was Narnia, staring at me from the corner. Creepy.

To what am I rocking out? "Drumming Song" by none other than Florence + The Machine. It came on Pandora the other day, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since, thus resulting in the purchase of F+TM's first album "Lungs," and that purchase was the impetus behind the CD post  yesterday. As a whole I believe I prefer "Ceremonials," but "Lungs" has its merits and "Drumming Song" is one of them. So is "Blinding."

In the liner notes of "Ceremonials" is a quote from Florence with which I wholeheartedly agree:

"The music is so euphoric as a way of battling the words. It's like an exorcism, beating it out with drums, shake this demon out, it's so visceral because the melancholy has to be drummed out. I can't let it sit inside me." - Florence Welch

That about sums it up. It's exactly how I feel, perhaps why I identify with her music so much. I wish I had said it. I wish I had written her music. I guess I could write my own songs, but I've lived in fear of doing such a thing for years now, even though I can sing, write music and pen lyrics fairly well. It's the fact that I can not create matching music and lyrics to save my life. Anyway, it's silly of me to even think about it because it'll never happen.

Anyway, I like music that absorbs me. For those few minutes, I become a part of it, losing myself. Complete immersion. Try it: 1) Go here. 2) Close your eyes.

Now you know why I didn't leave the computer until the song was over the other night. Perfection.

And this is what imperfection looks like:

Sweet dreams, kids.

Clear Your Schedule, This Could Take Awhile.

A terrible relationship according to Adele's album "21":

1. You played me. I'm going to ruin your life. (Rolling in the Deep)
2. You met someone new? Fabulous. You want me back? Even better. You want to try your own medicine? No? Oops! Too late! (Rumour Has It)
3. I'm tired of your abusive crap and can stand up for myself. (Turning Tables)
4. Just kidding. (Don't You Remember)
5. No really. You're a manipulative jerk and we're through. I think. (Set Fire to the Rain)
6. We can work this out if we try, I know we can. (He Won't Go)
7. I gave you everything. Leave me alone. (Take it All)
8. It's my fault, I can love you better, I promise. (I'll Be Waiting)
9. Double dare you to try again...please? (One and Only)
10. I'll love you forever. (Lovesong - A Bekah-approved Cure cover)
11. Clearly you've moved on, so I'll stalk you and find your doppelganger to fall in love with. (Someone Like You)

Tired of clicking and watching videos? Well, don't say I didn't warn you of the time-consuming nature of this post.

21 is a great album. It took some getting used to, but over the summer I slowly began to like it, bit by bit. We were staying in Rosemead, CA at the time. I was working in Santa Monica and had a glorious commute of anywhere between 45 minutes to 2 hours (everything you've heard about LA traffic is true). For once I'm not sarcastically exaggerating my adjectives. It truly was glorious. I had all that time alone. Alone time was unheard of when I was married. To bring it up was like saying "God" in a house full of athiests. So to have all that time by myself was awesome. I could listen to whatever I wanted, at whatever volume I wanted. I listened to Adele. Loudly. I learned all the words to my favorite songs and tried not to dwell on the fact that I was living some of that story. I think the first time I listened to "Turning Tables" all the way through I cried. "Take it All" was hard to listen to as well. "Turning Tables" was hard because that's what I wanted to say but couldn't. "Take it All" hurt because I was doing my best but it didn't matter. Actually, all of the songs have one element or another in common with the farce I call my marriage. So why was I listening (read: rocking out) to it today when I was cleaning?

Because I like it. I like it despite the hell I was living in. I like it because I really enjoyed my drives to work. I like it because it serves as a reminder of what not to do. I like it because there are "oh, silly girl" moments and "you poor thing" moments and "hey I know what that feels like" moments.

If you've read my "About Me" page, you know that I think music takes all the emotion in. One of these days, I'll get to dance it out.

Well, at least somewhere that isn't my dirty bathroom.